SAVAGE VOICES CONCERN ABOUT MUSLIMS, GAYS, OBAMA, AND TOY DOGS
On the July 2 edition of his nationally syndicated radio show, discussing
the recent terror-related arrests in Britain, radio host Michael Savage
said, "[W]hen I see a woman walking around with a burqa, I see a Nazi,"
adding, "That's what I see -- how do you like that? -- a hateful Nazi who
would like to cut your throat and kill your children." Savage also said that
when a Muslim woman wears a burqa, "She's doing it to spit in your face.
She's saying, 'You white moron, you, I'm going to kill you if I can.' "
Savage doesn’t stop there. He then went on to discuss an equally threatening
group: toy dogs.
“What, do you want me to mince words here?” yells Savage. “Chihuahuas, go
back to Mexico. You broke into this country. I see a Chihuahua, and you know
what I think? He’s thinking, ‘you gringo moron, you, yo quiero YOUR JOB‘!”
“And it’s not just Chihuahuas, you got your pugs coming in from East Asia,”
continues Savage. Sure, they’re known for being docile, social, intelligent,
and good with kids, but that’s just so they can hide amongst us, earn our
trust. Who knows how many knives he’s gotten hidden under those folds of
skin? And why do we call them intelligent? Cause they’re pugs? Gee pug, did
you figure out something I don’t know already? What did you discover that
makes you so intelligent? Why don’t you go back to your home country and
make a bomb. And take the Pekeningese back with you. People call it a little
playful, boisterous dog? Please, that thing’s a member of the homosexual
mafia. All toy dogs, get rid of ‘em. They’re all brainwashed by Muslims,
just like Mr. Barack Hussein Obama.”
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Tony Sam - 7/7/07
Irish bookie pays out as cops bust 'wrong' Gore
Original story on CNN.com
DUBLIN, Ireland-- An Irish bookmaker who offered 14-to-1 odds that Al Gore would be the next high-profile American to be arrested paid out on Friday after police detained the former vice president's son, also named Al.
Having not specified which Al bettors could back, Paddy Power said some of the 50 or so people who placed money on the rank outsider being arrested had been quick to claim their winnings, and then promptly piss away all the money on room temperature beer and cigarettes.
The "bizarre coincidence" would cost it more than $13,600.
Al Gore III, 24, was stopped for speeding on Wednesday and arrested for drug possession after a sheriff's deputy smelled marijuana and searched his car.
Gore when questioned stated, “ How dare you bark at me like some junkyard dog, I am the son of the former Vice-President of the United States!” Then Gore started barking and panting, and offered the arresting officers free copies of "his daddy's movie" an “Inconvenient Truth”. He also apparently claimed he could get them, “in the sack” with Mellisa Etheridge even though she was in his words, “ a Bull Dike”.
Paddy Power had ranked President Bush and Bill Gates among the outsiders on odds of 33-to-1 and 50-to-1 respectively. These odds did not include that of Bush making an even bigger asshole out of himself by saying or doing something stupid, in which the odds to that are 100-to-1.
Original story on CNN.com
DUBLIN, Ireland-- An Irish bookmaker who offered 14-to-1 odds that Al Gore would be the next high-profile American to be arrested paid out on Friday after police detained the former vice president's son, also named Al.
Having not specified which Al bettors could back, Paddy Power said some of the 50 or so people who placed money on the rank outsider being arrested had been quick to claim their winnings, and then promptly piss away all the money on room temperature beer and cigarettes.
The "bizarre coincidence" would cost it more than $13,600.
Al Gore III, 24, was stopped for speeding on Wednesday and arrested for drug possession after a sheriff's deputy smelled marijuana and searched his car.
Gore when questioned stated, “ How dare you bark at me like some junkyard dog, I am the son of the former Vice-President of the United States!” Then Gore started barking and panting, and offered the arresting officers free copies of "his daddy's movie" an “Inconvenient Truth”. He also apparently claimed he could get them, “in the sack” with Mellisa Etheridge even though she was in his words, “ a Bull Dike”.
Paddy Power had ranked President Bush and Bill Gates among the outsiders on odds of 33-to-1 and 50-to-1 respectively. These odds did not include that of Bush making an even bigger asshole out of himself by saying or doing something stupid, in which the odds to that are 100-to-1.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tony Sam - 6/20/07
Stan Lee gets his own action figure…pasty white home-bodies rejoice!
LOS ANGELES - Comic-book fans already know Stan Lee is a Marvel legend. Now Hasbro is making it official.
The company will pay plastic tribute to the 84-year-old creator of Spider-Man, the Hulk, X-Men, Fantastic Four and other comic-book heroes by interpreting him as a 6-inch tall Marvel Legends action figure. The toy shows Lee’s likeness wearing khaki pants, a blue windbreaker, diaper and eyeglasses.
“We feel it’s long overdue that Stan Lee be immortalized as an action figure, much like the dozens of marvelous characters that he has created for years and years,” said Eric Nyman, Hasbro’s vice president of marketing. “We want to make it as true to life as possible, so the figure, will also be outfitted with a bottle of “hooch”, and a pocket full of paternity suits. My man Stan got around if you know what I am saying… you do right? Action figure is such a broad term, I mean Christ, this is a doll, an old man doll.” Hasbro plans to spend half a million dollars on production and marketing.
The doll has been described as “creepy”, and “stupid”, and “another victory for overweight nerds who won’t move out of the house”.
The doll will be given away to anyone who wants one for free. It looks to rival in popularity the Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld dolls.
In a related story Hasbro lost half a million dollars in production and marketing funds.
LOS ANGELES - Comic-book fans already know Stan Lee is a Marvel legend. Now Hasbro is making it official.
The company will pay plastic tribute to the 84-year-old creator of Spider-Man, the Hulk, X-Men, Fantastic Four and other comic-book heroes by interpreting him as a 6-inch tall Marvel Legends action figure. The toy shows Lee’s likeness wearing khaki pants, a blue windbreaker, diaper and eyeglasses.
“We feel it’s long overdue that Stan Lee be immortalized as an action figure, much like the dozens of marvelous characters that he has created for years and years,” said Eric Nyman, Hasbro’s vice president of marketing. “We want to make it as true to life as possible, so the figure, will also be outfitted with a bottle of “hooch”, and a pocket full of paternity suits. My man Stan got around if you know what I am saying… you do right? Action figure is such a broad term, I mean Christ, this is a doll, an old man doll.” Hasbro plans to spend half a million dollars on production and marketing.
The doll has been described as “creepy”, and “stupid”, and “another victory for overweight nerds who won’t move out of the house”.
The doll will be given away to anyone who wants one for free. It looks to rival in popularity the Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld dolls.
In a related story Hasbro lost half a million dollars in production and marketing funds.
Dan Polydoris - 6/20/07 #1
20TH ANNIVERSARY FOR STARBUCKS IN CHICAGO
CHICAGO, IL - Chicagoans this summer can celebrate 20 years of Starbucks with a limited edition drink honoring the Windy City. The drink itself is supposed to capture the spirit of Chicago, which is where Starbucks first expanded to from Seattle.
So since Tuesday, most commuters have now been seen holding the new specialty beverage, “The Hobo-Breath Rotten-Fish Latte.” It is available with sprinkles in two flavors, “Dead Cicada” or “Mayor Daley’s Pubes.” Both are exquisite, this reporter must say.
“We wanted something to really capture Chicago’s essence,” said a spokesperson for Starbucks. “There was a little trouble accurately attaining the aroma of a bum’s half-dead whisky burps, but we are rather pleased with the result.”
As for the scent of fish decaying on a beach? “For that one,” the Starbucks VP of marketing informed me, “We used Lake Michigan water. It’s actually a combo of dead fish and feces that you’re tasting when you drink it.” During the interview, I threw up.
#####################################################################################
NATIONAL STATISTICS
The circumcision rate in the United States has dropped from 90% to 57%.
However, American men are 90% more likely to show you their penises in a mall if you lie and tell them you’re gathering “national statistics.”
It is 0% likely that I’ll ever be let back into that mall.
But it is 100% more likely that my girlfriend is going to get pissed when she finds out I got caught at the mall asking to see dudes’ penises again.
This joke is 50% true.
(Figures analyzed by Dan P)
CHICAGO, IL - Chicagoans this summer can celebrate 20 years of Starbucks with a limited edition drink honoring the Windy City. The drink itself is supposed to capture the spirit of Chicago, which is where Starbucks first expanded to from Seattle.
So since Tuesday, most commuters have now been seen holding the new specialty beverage, “The Hobo-Breath Rotten-Fish Latte.” It is available with sprinkles in two flavors, “Dead Cicada” or “Mayor Daley’s Pubes.” Both are exquisite, this reporter must say.
“We wanted something to really capture Chicago’s essence,” said a spokesperson for Starbucks. “There was a little trouble accurately attaining the aroma of a bum’s half-dead whisky burps, but we are rather pleased with the result.”
As for the scent of fish decaying on a beach? “For that one,” the Starbucks VP of marketing informed me, “We used Lake Michigan water. It’s actually a combo of dead fish and feces that you’re tasting when you drink it.” During the interview, I threw up.
#####################################################################################
NATIONAL STATISTICS
The circumcision rate in the United States has dropped from 90% to 57%.
However, American men are 90% more likely to show you their penises in a mall if you lie and tell them you’re gathering “national statistics.”
It is 0% likely that I’ll ever be let back into that mall.
But it is 100% more likely that my girlfriend is going to get pissed when she finds out I got caught at the mall asking to see dudes’ penises again.
This joke is 50% true.
(Figures analyzed by Dan P)
Josh Cheney - 6/20/07
Less than 24 hours after Tiger Woods finished second
at the U.S. Open on Father�s Day, his wife gave birth
to a daughter (not a cub). Woods announced on his Web
site " www.tigerwoods.com " that Sam Alexis Woods was
born early Monday morning. Ten fingers, ten toes and
so far no tail or whiskers.
"Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting
peacefully," Woods wrote. "We want to thank our
doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated
and hard work. This is truly a special time in our
lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our
family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank
everyone for their well wishes and continued respect
of our privacy." Tiger then let out a booming roar,
startled his new son, and filmed another Nike
commericial.
#######################################################
According to a study by the National Health and Social
Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at
nearly 90% in the early 1960s but began dropping in
the '70s. Snip-snip. By 2004 about 57% of all male
newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In
some states, the rate is well below 50%.
Experts say immigration patterns play the biggest role
in the decline. Conversely, Barbara Streisand played
the biggest role of her life in the film Yentil.
Yentil was Jewish and Jewish people are typically
circumcized, so. The trend has also accompanied a
change in Americans� attitudes toward medicine and
their bodies. And everyone knows the best medicine is
to cut off the excess, unused skin on a man's penis.
#######################################################
The much anticipated Apple iPhone is scheduled to
release on June 29th, lest God becomes angry. The
expectations of the phone are still rolling high, but
some critics are railing against its key features and
casting doubt/shame on the big gamble of Apple.
Bloggers have dubbed it the "Jesus phone". some
analysts have named it the "most anticipated consumer
product in the history of time. Except, maybe, food.
That kind of anticipation you don't see anymore.
You're talkin' pre-Jesus stuff, there. Did we mention
we've started calling it the Jesus phone? Well we
are."
Choosing to stay ahead of increasing demands, the
iPhone will also rub your back, make chili and help
with anxiety issues you may be experiencing with a
sibling. "Apple. Is there anything else we can do
for you? Oh, look. We've already done it."
at the U.S. Open on Father�s Day, his wife gave birth
to a daughter (not a cub). Woods announced on his Web
site " www.tigerwoods.com " that Sam Alexis Woods was
born early Monday morning. Ten fingers, ten toes and
so far no tail or whiskers.
"Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting
peacefully," Woods wrote. "We want to thank our
doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated
and hard work. This is truly a special time in our
lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our
family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank
everyone for their well wishes and continued respect
of our privacy." Tiger then let out a booming roar,
startled his new son, and filmed another Nike
commericial.
#######################################################
According to a study by the National Health and Social
Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at
nearly 90% in the early 1960s but began dropping in
the '70s. Snip-snip. By 2004 about 57% of all male
newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In
some states, the rate is well below 50%.
Experts say immigration patterns play the biggest role
in the decline. Conversely, Barbara Streisand played
the biggest role of her life in the film Yentil.
Yentil was Jewish and Jewish people are typically
circumcized, so. The trend has also accompanied a
change in Americans� attitudes toward medicine and
their bodies. And everyone knows the best medicine is
to cut off the excess, unused skin on a man's penis.
#######################################################
The much anticipated Apple iPhone is scheduled to
release on June 29th, lest God becomes angry. The
expectations of the phone are still rolling high, but
some critics are railing against its key features and
casting doubt/shame on the big gamble of Apple.
Bloggers have dubbed it the "Jesus phone". some
analysts have named it the "most anticipated consumer
product in the history of time. Except, maybe, food.
That kind of anticipation you don't see anymore.
You're talkin' pre-Jesus stuff, there. Did we mention
we've started calling it the Jesus phone? Well we
are."
Choosing to stay ahead of increasing demands, the
iPhone will also rub your back, make chili and help
with anxiety issues you may be experiencing with a
sibling. "Apple. Is there anything else we can do
for you? Oh, look. We've already done it."
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Josh Cheney - 6/19/07
WASHINGTON - Indian gambling pulled in $25 billion in
2006, 11 percent more than the year before as the
industry's explosive growth outpaced Las Vegas.
Federal figures announced Monday, compiled from 387
tribal facilities in 28 states, show Indian gambling
revenue has nearly doubled in five years. "We're
still working on the numbers, but we believe it's safe
to say 'woo woo woo woo woo woo!'" commented Indian
revenue administrator Jonathan WhiteOaks.
Indian casinos brought in $12.8 billion from gambling
in 2001, $22.5 billion in 2005 and $25.1 billion in
2006, according to the National Indian Gaming
Commission.
"The continued growth is eye-opening considering the
tribal gaming industry is still relatively young,"
said commission Chairman Phil Hogen. Take that,
Vegas. Enjoy watching your taxes soar like
ghost-eagle.
2006, 11 percent more than the year before as the
industry's explosive growth outpaced Las Vegas.
Federal figures announced Monday, compiled from 387
tribal facilities in 28 states, show Indian gambling
revenue has nearly doubled in five years. "We're
still working on the numbers, but we believe it's safe
to say 'woo woo woo woo woo woo!'" commented Indian
revenue administrator Jonathan WhiteOaks.
Indian casinos brought in $12.8 billion from gambling
in 2001, $22.5 billion in 2005 and $25.1 billion in
2006, according to the National Indian Gaming
Commission.
"The continued growth is eye-opening considering the
tribal gaming industry is still relatively young,"
said commission Chairman Phil Hogen. Take that,
Vegas. Enjoy watching your taxes soar like
ghost-eagle.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Hannah Gansen - 6/17/07
Eddie Murphy Takes Paternity Test
Eddie Murphy submitted his DNA today in Beverly Hills, CA to determine if he
is the father of Spice Girl Mel B's baby. Test results were unclear,
however, when experts discovered his sperm to all be wearing fat suits.
"It was one of the most peculiar things," stated Dr. Robert Robertson. "The
first sperm I saw in a fat suit, it was funny. I literally laughed till I
stopped. But, when I saw the next one, and the next one after that, each in
a fat suit, it really wasn't that funny anymore. It was really more of the
same thing. One sperm in a fat suit would've been enough."
When approached by reporters about the bizzare test results, Murphy elluded
questioning by changing into a loveable animated character that provided
comic relief and humor the entire family could enjoy, including the parents,
who wonder if this man is the same Eddie Murphy they saw in Another 48 Hours
and Raw, before they became trapped by parenthood.
"Me and my buddies, we used to watch Raw, and see, we made a drinking game
of it. Every time Eddie dropped an f-bomb, we'd take a drink,"laughed
life-long Murphy fan, Mike Houston. "Man, we'd get pretty tanked." His face
suddenly became stern. "Now, first he's a dragon, then he's a donkey, and
then a donkey...yeesh, I can't drink to that."
Eddie Murphy submitted his DNA today in Beverly Hills, CA to determine if he
is the father of Spice Girl Mel B's baby. Test results were unclear,
however, when experts discovered his sperm to all be wearing fat suits.
"It was one of the most peculiar things," stated Dr. Robert Robertson. "The
first sperm I saw in a fat suit, it was funny. I literally laughed till I
stopped. But, when I saw the next one, and the next one after that, each in
a fat suit, it really wasn't that funny anymore. It was really more of the
same thing. One sperm in a fat suit would've been enough."
When approached by reporters about the bizzare test results, Murphy elluded
questioning by changing into a loveable animated character that provided
comic relief and humor the entire family could enjoy, including the parents,
who wonder if this man is the same Eddie Murphy they saw in Another 48 Hours
and Raw, before they became trapped by parenthood.
"Me and my buddies, we used to watch Raw, and see, we made a drinking game
of it. Every time Eddie dropped an f-bomb, we'd take a drink,"laughed
life-long Murphy fan, Mike Houston. "Man, we'd get pretty tanked." His face
suddenly became stern. "Now, first he's a dragon, then he's a donkey, and
then a donkey...yeesh, I can't drink to that."
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