http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=3250752
All US Media Essentially A High School Paper
As has been widely reported, Mike Huckabee made the unforgiveable
mistake of getting Ronald Reagan's birthday wrong at the 3rd
republican presidential debate. He identified June 5 as the former
president's brithday, when - in fact it is the anniversary of the day
he died. Whoa, talk about career ending gaffe.
Huckabee remarked about the confusion "Actually it was the date of his
death and not his birth, and just an absolute error on my part." An
absolute error. He jokingly added that he "can take [his] medicine
and try not to make the same [mistake] twice."
I wonder if that medication is also the cause of his position on
evolution - which the governor does not believe in. His big mistake
was getting demigod Reagan's birthday wrong - not that he disavows
science altogether.
The media likes to jump on such ridiculous stories.
No mention at abcnews of Mitt Romney's assertion that Iraq refused to
allow UN inspectors into the country - an act of defiance which Romney
further explains justified the invasion. Of course, the simplest
google search will reveal that Saddam did allow Hans Blix unrestricted
access, but the ever-amnestic government-sponsored US media seems to
have forgotten about that.
Get Reagan's brithday wrong, and you are laughed out of Washington.
Nevermind that Reagan probably wouldn't have known himself. Get basic
facts relating to the worst military mistake in the modern era, and
the news will turn a blind eye. If that's our perfect system, then I
am moving to Iraq.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Dan Polydoris - 6/8/07
PARENTS CRITICIZE SOFTWARE COMPANY’S NEW “EDUCATIONAL GAMES”
SAN BERNARDINO, CA - Rock Star Games, the company responsible for the ultra-violent Grand Theft Auto series, has issued a series of non-aggressive and educational video games. Parents who opposed the violence in Rock Star’s previous games, have met the new line-up with surprisingly harsh criticism.
Most of the controversy lies with the game titled Anus: The Video Game. Gloria Winthrop, who threw out her son’s PS2 due to the violence in all the games, feels the educational aspects of this particular game are lacking.
“I understand the benefits of learning the human anatomy,” Gloria claims. “But why do children need to play a game where they remove a cyst from the lining of an external anal sphincter. It’s just plain gross. And plus, the graphics aren’t even very good.”
Rock Star Games, however, is optimistic about their upcoming educational game: Janitor Adventures. The player of the game must maneuver the school janitor through the halls, and the object of the game is for him to figure out all of his health insurance forms. Parents are calling it “...ignorant and demeaning.”
A Rock Star Games spokesman issued a statement on Tuesday. “We think our new games are extremely helpful. People who disagree just need to play our latest game, Remove the Stick out of Your Own Ass: The Game.”
SAN BERNARDINO, CA - Rock Star Games, the company responsible for the ultra-violent Grand Theft Auto series, has issued a series of non-aggressive and educational video games. Parents who opposed the violence in Rock Star’s previous games, have met the new line-up with surprisingly harsh criticism.
Most of the controversy lies with the game titled Anus: The Video Game. Gloria Winthrop, who threw out her son’s PS2 due to the violence in all the games, feels the educational aspects of this particular game are lacking.
“I understand the benefits of learning the human anatomy,” Gloria claims. “But why do children need to play a game where they remove a cyst from the lining of an external anal sphincter. It’s just plain gross. And plus, the graphics aren’t even very good.”
Rock Star Games, however, is optimistic about their upcoming educational game: Janitor Adventures. The player of the game must maneuver the school janitor through the halls, and the object of the game is for him to figure out all of his health insurance forms. Parents are calling it “...ignorant and demeaning.”
A Rock Star Games spokesman issued a statement on Tuesday. “We think our new games are extremely helpful. People who disagree just need to play our latest game, Remove the Stick out of Your Own Ass: The Game.”
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Tony Sam - 6/7/07
She’s out! Paris to finish sentence at home
Hilton released from jail because of unspecified medical problem
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was released from a Los Angeles County jail early Thursday because of an unspecified medical problem and will fulfill the remainder of her sentence for probation violation in home confinement, a sheriff’s spokesman said.
The 26-year-old hotel heiress was sent home shortly after 2 a.m. wearing an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said.
Hilton was sentenced to 45 days for violating her probation in a reckless driving case, but had been expected to serve 23 days in jail because of state rules allowing shorter sentences for good behavior.
Her new lockup is a four-bedroom, three-bathroom, Spanish-style home on .14 acres above the Sunset Strip.
“I can’t specifically talk about the medical situation other than to say that yes, it played a part in this,” Whitmore said.
Whitman went on to say, “ While I can’t talk about the condition I will say that is entirely made up, you know bullshit. When you have as much money as this family you can do what ever the fuck, whoops! Well, I just have to clear that up with some of their money. What was I saying, Oh, right…when you have as much fucking money, Jesus Christ! I can’t stop. The bitch has money do you understand?”
Upon returning home Paris bought a boat made of diamonds where upon, she grew bored of it moments later and had it destroyed by a much bigger boat made of fur coats.
Paris issued a statement saying, “ What? I’m hot…it’s hot in here duh…fart…Nicole? What?”
Somewhere a native american weeps.
Hilton released from jail because of unspecified medical problem
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was released from a Los Angeles County jail early Thursday because of an unspecified medical problem and will fulfill the remainder of her sentence for probation violation in home confinement, a sheriff’s spokesman said.
The 26-year-old hotel heiress was sent home shortly after 2 a.m. wearing an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said.
Hilton was sentenced to 45 days for violating her probation in a reckless driving case, but had been expected to serve 23 days in jail because of state rules allowing shorter sentences for good behavior.
Her new lockup is a four-bedroom, three-bathroom, Spanish-style home on .14 acres above the Sunset Strip.
“I can’t specifically talk about the medical situation other than to say that yes, it played a part in this,” Whitmore said.
Whitman went on to say, “ While I can’t talk about the condition I will say that is entirely made up, you know bullshit. When you have as much money as this family you can do what ever the fuck, whoops! Well, I just have to clear that up with some of their money. What was I saying, Oh, right…when you have as much fucking money, Jesus Christ! I can’t stop. The bitch has money do you understand?”
Upon returning home Paris bought a boat made of diamonds where upon, she grew bored of it moments later and had it destroyed by a much bigger boat made of fur coats.
Paris issued a statement saying, “ What? I’m hot…it’s hot in here duh…fart…Nicole? What?”
Somewhere a native american weeps.
Hannah Gansen - 6/7/07
ROB LOWE: CALLOUS MURDERER
Actor Rob Lowe hit a goldfinch, the state bird of Iowa, while playing golf
in what appears to be an attack on the Hawkeye State.
The 43-year-old actor was hitting an approach shot on the fourth hole when
his ball hit a goldfinch, dropping about 50 yards short of the green, The
Des Moines Register reported.
As the rest of the players in his group broke out in laughter and applause,
Lowe raised his arms in mock celebration.
"That's my birdie," he said after looking at the bird, which lay motionless
on the ground.
"That's unbelievable. Who comes here and kills the state bird? Only me."
Outrage has brokeout like wildfire across the state.
"I never knew what the state bird was," Iowa resident Bob Anderson said.
"Hell, I'm still not quite sure what a goldfinch looks like, probably kind
of golden. But you sure is hell don't just come on in a state and start
killing what's rightfully ours to kill..." trailing off momentarily to
collect himself. "That ain't right."
Lowe has been missing since the incident after being ran out of town by four
men in a Ford 1991 F-150. The four men have not yet been identified.
Actor Rob Lowe hit a goldfinch, the state bird of Iowa, while playing golf
in what appears to be an attack on the Hawkeye State.
The 43-year-old actor was hitting an approach shot on the fourth hole when
his ball hit a goldfinch, dropping about 50 yards short of the green, The
Des Moines Register reported.
As the rest of the players in his group broke out in laughter and applause,
Lowe raised his arms in mock celebration.
"That's my birdie," he said after looking at the bird, which lay motionless
on the ground.
"That's unbelievable. Who comes here and kills the state bird? Only me."
Outrage has brokeout like wildfire across the state.
"I never knew what the state bird was," Iowa resident Bob Anderson said.
"Hell, I'm still not quite sure what a goldfinch looks like, probably kind
of golden. But you sure is hell don't just come on in a state and start
killing what's rightfully ours to kill..." trailing off momentarily to
collect himself. "That ain't right."
Lowe has been missing since the incident after being ran out of town by four
men in a Ford 1991 F-150. The four men have not yet been identified.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Ken Barnard - 6/6/07
Rare monkey missing from Brazil zoo
SAO PAULO, Brazil
A rare Amazon monkey has gone missing from a Brazilian zoo and could harm biologists' efforts to repopulate the endangered species, zoo officials said Wednesday.
Workers arriving at the zoo Tuesday morning noticed the male pied tamarin was missing, and found a wrench and a coat left behind in its cage.
"We understand why the monkey has run away,” said Luiz Antonio da Silva Pires, director of the city zoo in Bauru, “Zoos in Brazil are shitholes. A Sao Paulo boy hooker wouldn’t be caught dead here. I mean, boy hookers have been found dead here, but, well, you know what I mean.”
"What I can’t understand is why the monkey left his coat and wrench behind. I don’t think he’ll get very far out in the real world without a wrench or coat. What’s he going to wear when it rains? What’s he going to do when he needs a wrench?” da Silva Pires added.
When asked if he thought the coat and wrench could belong to a person who kidnapped the monkey, the zookeeper seemed doubtful.
“I don’t know who would want him. He’s just a deadbeat rare monkey that never paid his rent. He was not as well mannered as the lion over th
SAO PAULO, Brazil
A rare Amazon monkey has gone missing from a Brazilian zoo and could harm biologists' efforts to repopulate the endangered species, zoo officials said Wednesday.
Workers arriving at the zoo Tuesday morning noticed the male pied tamarin was missing, and found a wrench and a coat left behind in its cage.
"We understand why the monkey has run away,” said Luiz Antonio da Silva Pires, director of the city zoo in Bauru, “Zoos in Brazil are shitholes. A Sao Paulo boy hooker wouldn’t be caught dead here. I mean, boy hookers have been found dead here, but, well, you know what I mean.”
"What I can’t understand is why the monkey left his coat and wrench behind. I don’t think he’ll get very far out in the real world without a wrench or coat. What’s he going to wear when it rains? What’s he going to do when he needs a wrench?” da Silva Pires added.
When asked if he thought the coat and wrench could belong to a person who kidnapped the monkey, the zookeeper seemed doubtful.
“I don’t know who would want him. He’s just a deadbeat rare monkey that never paid his rent. He was not as well mannered as the lion over th
Dan Polydoris - 6/6/07
PUMPED UP POULTRY WORRIES ORGANIC FARMERS
HAMMOND, IN - As the use of steroids to enhance poultry continues across the nation, Indiana’s organic poultry providers are finding it harder and harder to keep sales up. Organic farmers, such as Bob “Goody” Goodwin, feel that the drugs are more harmful than helpful.
“There are countless risks in pumping these animals full of steroids,” Goodwin warns. “While the poultry themselves may be bigger and more succulent, the negative effects of steroids are detrimental. More and more chickens are getting juiced up, getting in fights, beating their wives, and going to dangerous lengths to score more ‘roids,’ as they’re called on the streets.”
Other areas of Indiana have been tainted with steroid-abused poultry. Lafayette, New Buffalo, and Gary have reported incidents of chickens involved in gang violence, prostitution and robberies just to score the drug.
“The steroid use is becoming an epidemic,” Goody pleads. “One chicken broke into my house, stole my VCR, and traded it for steroids. How does that happen? The VCR weighs more than the chicken. And I can’t understand how it got the thing disconnected without even having thumbs. It really is a depressing state of affairs.”
Carl Sonenshine, of Sonenshine Poultry Farms, begs to differ. As the owner of one of the largest poultry providers in the US, Sonenshine feels that the benefits of steroids outweigh the negatives. “It can be put as simply as this,” Sonenshine states. “Times have changed, and there is no question at all that organic farming is for hippies and faggots.”
According to a statement from the USDA, which refuses to ban the agricultural use of steroids, organic farmers like Goodwin need to “grow a pair, get laid, and clean out their vaginas.”
Despite it all, Goodwin and other organic farmers stay positive. “We’re hopeful that people will wake up and realize steroids are unnecessary for poultry production. Maybe someday farmers will raise chickens the old fashioned way: with booze and cigarettes.”
HAMMOND, IN - As the use of steroids to enhance poultry continues across the nation, Indiana’s organic poultry providers are finding it harder and harder to keep sales up. Organic farmers, such as Bob “Goody” Goodwin, feel that the drugs are more harmful than helpful.
“There are countless risks in pumping these animals full of steroids,” Goodwin warns. “While the poultry themselves may be bigger and more succulent, the negative effects of steroids are detrimental. More and more chickens are getting juiced up, getting in fights, beating their wives, and going to dangerous lengths to score more ‘roids,’ as they’re called on the streets.”
Other areas of Indiana have been tainted with steroid-abused poultry. Lafayette, New Buffalo, and Gary have reported incidents of chickens involved in gang violence, prostitution and robberies just to score the drug.
“The steroid use is becoming an epidemic,” Goody pleads. “One chicken broke into my house, stole my VCR, and traded it for steroids. How does that happen? The VCR weighs more than the chicken. And I can’t understand how it got the thing disconnected without even having thumbs. It really is a depressing state of affairs.”
Carl Sonenshine, of Sonenshine Poultry Farms, begs to differ. As the owner of one of the largest poultry providers in the US, Sonenshine feels that the benefits of steroids outweigh the negatives. “It can be put as simply as this,” Sonenshine states. “Times have changed, and there is no question at all that organic farming is for hippies and faggots.”
According to a statement from the USDA, which refuses to ban the agricultural use of steroids, organic farmers like Goodwin need to “grow a pair, get laid, and clean out their vaginas.”
Despite it all, Goodwin and other organic farmers stay positive. “We’re hopeful that people will wake up and realize steroids are unnecessary for poultry production. Maybe someday farmers will raise chickens the old fashioned way: with booze and cigarettes.”
Hannah Gansen - 6/6/07
Porn Star Calls Tom Brady Sexiest Athlete
A porn star named Lisa Ann Taylor (also known as Melissa Wolf and "The
Mansion Madam") was commissioned by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution to name
her Top 5 sexiest athletes. You will not be surprised by who topped her
list:
1. Tom Brady, New England Patriots. Boy next door good looks, great smile.
Who was number two?
"Takeru Kobayashi, hot dog eating champion of the world, who ate 53 and 3/4
hotdogs in just 12 minutes, stated Taylor eyes wide with adoration. "When
you've been in biz this long, you know pure talent when you see it. Talent
is sexy."
A porn star named Lisa Ann Taylor (also known as Melissa Wolf and "The
Mansion Madam") was commissioned by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution to name
her Top 5 sexiest athletes. You will not be surprised by who topped her
list:
1. Tom Brady, New England Patriots. Boy next door good looks, great smile.
Who was number two?
"Takeru Kobayashi, hot dog eating champion of the world, who ate 53 and 3/4
hotdogs in just 12 minutes, stated Taylor eyes wide with adoration. "When
you've been in biz this long, you know pure talent when you see it. Talent
is sexy."
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