Stan Lee gets his own action figure…pasty white home-bodies rejoice!
LOS ANGELES - Comic-book fans already know Stan Lee is a Marvel legend. Now Hasbro is making it official.
The company will pay plastic tribute to the 84-year-old creator of Spider-Man, the Hulk, X-Men, Fantastic Four and other comic-book heroes by interpreting him as a 6-inch tall Marvel Legends action figure. The toy shows Lee’s likeness wearing khaki pants, a blue windbreaker, diaper and eyeglasses.
“We feel it’s long overdue that Stan Lee be immortalized as an action figure, much like the dozens of marvelous characters that he has created for years and years,” said Eric Nyman, Hasbro’s vice president of marketing. “We want to make it as true to life as possible, so the figure, will also be outfitted with a bottle of “hooch”, and a pocket full of paternity suits. My man Stan got around if you know what I am saying… you do right? Action figure is such a broad term, I mean Christ, this is a doll, an old man doll.” Hasbro plans to spend half a million dollars on production and marketing.
The doll has been described as “creepy”, and “stupid”, and “another victory for overweight nerds who won’t move out of the house”.
The doll will be given away to anyone who wants one for free. It looks to rival in popularity the Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld dolls.
In a related story Hasbro lost half a million dollars in production and marketing funds.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Dan Polydoris - 6/20/07 #1
20TH ANNIVERSARY FOR STARBUCKS IN CHICAGO
CHICAGO, IL - Chicagoans this summer can celebrate 20 years of Starbucks with a limited edition drink honoring the Windy City. The drink itself is supposed to capture the spirit of Chicago, which is where Starbucks first expanded to from Seattle.
So since Tuesday, most commuters have now been seen holding the new specialty beverage, “The Hobo-Breath Rotten-Fish Latte.” It is available with sprinkles in two flavors, “Dead Cicada” or “Mayor Daley’s Pubes.” Both are exquisite, this reporter must say.
“We wanted something to really capture Chicago’s essence,” said a spokesperson for Starbucks. “There was a little trouble accurately attaining the aroma of a bum’s half-dead whisky burps, but we are rather pleased with the result.”
As for the scent of fish decaying on a beach? “For that one,” the Starbucks VP of marketing informed me, “We used Lake Michigan water. It’s actually a combo of dead fish and feces that you’re tasting when you drink it.” During the interview, I threw up.
#####################################################################################
NATIONAL STATISTICS
The circumcision rate in the United States has dropped from 90% to 57%.
However, American men are 90% more likely to show you their penises in a mall if you lie and tell them you’re gathering “national statistics.”
It is 0% likely that I’ll ever be let back into that mall.
But it is 100% more likely that my girlfriend is going to get pissed when she finds out I got caught at the mall asking to see dudes’ penises again.
This joke is 50% true.
(Figures analyzed by Dan P)
CHICAGO, IL - Chicagoans this summer can celebrate 20 years of Starbucks with a limited edition drink honoring the Windy City. The drink itself is supposed to capture the spirit of Chicago, which is where Starbucks first expanded to from Seattle.
So since Tuesday, most commuters have now been seen holding the new specialty beverage, “The Hobo-Breath Rotten-Fish Latte.” It is available with sprinkles in two flavors, “Dead Cicada” or “Mayor Daley’s Pubes.” Both are exquisite, this reporter must say.
“We wanted something to really capture Chicago’s essence,” said a spokesperson for Starbucks. “There was a little trouble accurately attaining the aroma of a bum’s half-dead whisky burps, but we are rather pleased with the result.”
As for the scent of fish decaying on a beach? “For that one,” the Starbucks VP of marketing informed me, “We used Lake Michigan water. It’s actually a combo of dead fish and feces that you’re tasting when you drink it.” During the interview, I threw up.
#####################################################################################
NATIONAL STATISTICS
The circumcision rate in the United States has dropped from 90% to 57%.
However, American men are 90% more likely to show you their penises in a mall if you lie and tell them you’re gathering “national statistics.”
It is 0% likely that I’ll ever be let back into that mall.
But it is 100% more likely that my girlfriend is going to get pissed when she finds out I got caught at the mall asking to see dudes’ penises again.
This joke is 50% true.
(Figures analyzed by Dan P)
Josh Cheney - 6/20/07
Less than 24 hours after Tiger Woods finished second
at the U.S. Open on Father�s Day, his wife gave birth
to a daughter (not a cub). Woods announced on his Web
site " www.tigerwoods.com " that Sam Alexis Woods was
born early Monday morning. Ten fingers, ten toes and
so far no tail or whiskers.
"Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting
peacefully," Woods wrote. "We want to thank our
doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated
and hard work. This is truly a special time in our
lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our
family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank
everyone for their well wishes and continued respect
of our privacy." Tiger then let out a booming roar,
startled his new son, and filmed another Nike
commericial.
#######################################################
According to a study by the National Health and Social
Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at
nearly 90% in the early 1960s but began dropping in
the '70s. Snip-snip. By 2004 about 57% of all male
newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In
some states, the rate is well below 50%.
Experts say immigration patterns play the biggest role
in the decline. Conversely, Barbara Streisand played
the biggest role of her life in the film Yentil.
Yentil was Jewish and Jewish people are typically
circumcized, so. The trend has also accompanied a
change in Americans� attitudes toward medicine and
their bodies. And everyone knows the best medicine is
to cut off the excess, unused skin on a man's penis.
#######################################################
The much anticipated Apple iPhone is scheduled to
release on June 29th, lest God becomes angry. The
expectations of the phone are still rolling high, but
some critics are railing against its key features and
casting doubt/shame on the big gamble of Apple.
Bloggers have dubbed it the "Jesus phone". some
analysts have named it the "most anticipated consumer
product in the history of time. Except, maybe, food.
That kind of anticipation you don't see anymore.
You're talkin' pre-Jesus stuff, there. Did we mention
we've started calling it the Jesus phone? Well we
are."
Choosing to stay ahead of increasing demands, the
iPhone will also rub your back, make chili and help
with anxiety issues you may be experiencing with a
sibling. "Apple. Is there anything else we can do
for you? Oh, look. We've already done it."
at the U.S. Open on Father�s Day, his wife gave birth
to a daughter (not a cub). Woods announced on his Web
site " www.tigerwoods.com " that Sam Alexis Woods was
born early Monday morning. Ten fingers, ten toes and
so far no tail or whiskers.
"Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting
peacefully," Woods wrote. "We want to thank our
doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated
and hard work. This is truly a special time in our
lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our
family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank
everyone for their well wishes and continued respect
of our privacy." Tiger then let out a booming roar,
startled his new son, and filmed another Nike
commericial.
#######################################################
According to a study by the National Health and Social
Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at
nearly 90% in the early 1960s but began dropping in
the '70s. Snip-snip. By 2004 about 57% of all male
newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In
some states, the rate is well below 50%.
Experts say immigration patterns play the biggest role
in the decline. Conversely, Barbara Streisand played
the biggest role of her life in the film Yentil.
Yentil was Jewish and Jewish people are typically
circumcized, so. The trend has also accompanied a
change in Americans� attitudes toward medicine and
their bodies. And everyone knows the best medicine is
to cut off the excess, unused skin on a man's penis.
#######################################################
The much anticipated Apple iPhone is scheduled to
release on June 29th, lest God becomes angry. The
expectations of the phone are still rolling high, but
some critics are railing against its key features and
casting doubt/shame on the big gamble of Apple.
Bloggers have dubbed it the "Jesus phone". some
analysts have named it the "most anticipated consumer
product in the history of time. Except, maybe, food.
That kind of anticipation you don't see anymore.
You're talkin' pre-Jesus stuff, there. Did we mention
we've started calling it the Jesus phone? Well we
are."
Choosing to stay ahead of increasing demands, the
iPhone will also rub your back, make chili and help
with anxiety issues you may be experiencing with a
sibling. "Apple. Is there anything else we can do
for you? Oh, look. We've already done it."
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Josh Cheney - 6/19/07
WASHINGTON - Indian gambling pulled in $25 billion in
2006, 11 percent more than the year before as the
industry's explosive growth outpaced Las Vegas.
Federal figures announced Monday, compiled from 387
tribal facilities in 28 states, show Indian gambling
revenue has nearly doubled in five years. "We're
still working on the numbers, but we believe it's safe
to say 'woo woo woo woo woo woo!'" commented Indian
revenue administrator Jonathan WhiteOaks.
Indian casinos brought in $12.8 billion from gambling
in 2001, $22.5 billion in 2005 and $25.1 billion in
2006, according to the National Indian Gaming
Commission.
"The continued growth is eye-opening considering the
tribal gaming industry is still relatively young,"
said commission Chairman Phil Hogen. Take that,
Vegas. Enjoy watching your taxes soar like
ghost-eagle.
2006, 11 percent more than the year before as the
industry's explosive growth outpaced Las Vegas.
Federal figures announced Monday, compiled from 387
tribal facilities in 28 states, show Indian gambling
revenue has nearly doubled in five years. "We're
still working on the numbers, but we believe it's safe
to say 'woo woo woo woo woo woo!'" commented Indian
revenue administrator Jonathan WhiteOaks.
Indian casinos brought in $12.8 billion from gambling
in 2001, $22.5 billion in 2005 and $25.1 billion in
2006, according to the National Indian Gaming
Commission.
"The continued growth is eye-opening considering the
tribal gaming industry is still relatively young,"
said commission Chairman Phil Hogen. Take that,
Vegas. Enjoy watching your taxes soar like
ghost-eagle.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Hannah Gansen - 6/17/07
Eddie Murphy Takes Paternity Test
Eddie Murphy submitted his DNA today in Beverly Hills, CA to determine if he
is the father of Spice Girl Mel B's baby. Test results were unclear,
however, when experts discovered his sperm to all be wearing fat suits.
"It was one of the most peculiar things," stated Dr. Robert Robertson. "The
first sperm I saw in a fat suit, it was funny. I literally laughed till I
stopped. But, when I saw the next one, and the next one after that, each in
a fat suit, it really wasn't that funny anymore. It was really more of the
same thing. One sperm in a fat suit would've been enough."
When approached by reporters about the bizzare test results, Murphy elluded
questioning by changing into a loveable animated character that provided
comic relief and humor the entire family could enjoy, including the parents,
who wonder if this man is the same Eddie Murphy they saw in Another 48 Hours
and Raw, before they became trapped by parenthood.
"Me and my buddies, we used to watch Raw, and see, we made a drinking game
of it. Every time Eddie dropped an f-bomb, we'd take a drink,"laughed
life-long Murphy fan, Mike Houston. "Man, we'd get pretty tanked." His face
suddenly became stern. "Now, first he's a dragon, then he's a donkey, and
then a donkey...yeesh, I can't drink to that."
Eddie Murphy submitted his DNA today in Beverly Hills, CA to determine if he
is the father of Spice Girl Mel B's baby. Test results were unclear,
however, when experts discovered his sperm to all be wearing fat suits.
"It was one of the most peculiar things," stated Dr. Robert Robertson. "The
first sperm I saw in a fat suit, it was funny. I literally laughed till I
stopped. But, when I saw the next one, and the next one after that, each in
a fat suit, it really wasn't that funny anymore. It was really more of the
same thing. One sperm in a fat suit would've been enough."
When approached by reporters about the bizzare test results, Murphy elluded
questioning by changing into a loveable animated character that provided
comic relief and humor the entire family could enjoy, including the parents,
who wonder if this man is the same Eddie Murphy they saw in Another 48 Hours
and Raw, before they became trapped by parenthood.
"Me and my buddies, we used to watch Raw, and see, we made a drinking game
of it. Every time Eddie dropped an f-bomb, we'd take a drink,"laughed
life-long Murphy fan, Mike Houston. "Man, we'd get pretty tanked." His face
suddenly became stern. "Now, first he's a dragon, then he's a donkey, and
then a donkey...yeesh, I can't drink to that."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Bill Cruz - 6/14/07
Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'
Hank Plante
Reporting
CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.
Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."
Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, had used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.
As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."
The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.
"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviewing the documents.
"The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soliders would become gay," explained Hammond.
The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made by the Air Force in 1994.
"The Department of Defense is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform," said a DOD spokesperson, who indicated that the "gay bomb" idea was quickly dismissed.
However, Hammond said the government records he obtained suggest the military gave the plan much stronger consideration than it has acknowledged.
"The truth of the matter is it would have never come to my attention if it was dismissed at the time it was proposed," he said. "In fact, the Pentagon has used it repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."
Military officials insisted Friday to CBS 5 that they are not currently working on any such idea and that the past plan was abandoned.
Gay community leaders in California said Friday that they found the notion of a "gay bomb" both offensive and almost laughable at the same time.
"Throughout history we have had so many brave men and women who are gay and lesbian serving the military with distinction," said Geoff Kors of Equality California. "So, it's just offensive that they think by turning people gay that the other military would be incapable of doing their job. And its absurd because there's so much medical data that shows that sexual orientation is immutable and cannot be changed."
(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
--- Yeah!
The Project was called: Dr. Manlove; or how I learned to relax and Love the Butt.
The experimental chemical to be used was dubbed RU4-69 and was comprised of:
Human Pheromones
Airborne Steroids
A 4 pack of Wild Berry Wine Coolers
Initial Testing found some rare, but serious side effects including:
Antiquing
Blower’s Cramp
A rare form of Corporal Tunnel Syndrome: A syndrome where you Tunnel Corporals.
And why is the Air Force Developing this Weapon? Isn’t this the Navy’s jurisdiction?
7.5 Million Dollars? Hey Air Force! Save some money and get an “Il Divo” CD, it has the same effect.
When will the Military learn that homosexuality is a natural biological occurrence most evident when you force 18 to 24 year old males to live, sleep, and shower together? Have we, as a society, learned nothing from “Top Gun?”
I believe it was Bill Cruz who once said…
“He who strives to destroy homosexuality will only succeed in creating it.”
Hank Plante
Reporting
CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.
Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."
Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, had used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.
As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."
The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.
"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviewing the documents.
"The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soliders would become gay," explained Hammond.
The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made by the Air Force in 1994.
"The Department of Defense is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform," said a DOD spokesperson, who indicated that the "gay bomb" idea was quickly dismissed.
However, Hammond said the government records he obtained suggest the military gave the plan much stronger consideration than it has acknowledged.
"The truth of the matter is it would have never come to my attention if it was dismissed at the time it was proposed," he said. "In fact, the Pentagon has used it repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."
Military officials insisted Friday to CBS 5 that they are not currently working on any such idea and that the past plan was abandoned.
Gay community leaders in California said Friday that they found the notion of a "gay bomb" both offensive and almost laughable at the same time.
"Throughout history we have had so many brave men and women who are gay and lesbian serving the military with distinction," said Geoff Kors of Equality California. "So, it's just offensive that they think by turning people gay that the other military would be incapable of doing their job. And its absurd because there's so much medical data that shows that sexual orientation is immutable and cannot be changed."
(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
--- Yeah!
The Project was called: Dr. Manlove; or how I learned to relax and Love the Butt.
The experimental chemical to be used was dubbed RU4-69 and was comprised of:
Human Pheromones
Airborne Steroids
A 4 pack of Wild Berry Wine Coolers
Initial Testing found some rare, but serious side effects including:
Antiquing
Blower’s Cramp
A rare form of Corporal Tunnel Syndrome: A syndrome where you Tunnel Corporals.
And why is the Air Force Developing this Weapon? Isn’t this the Navy’s jurisdiction?
7.5 Million Dollars? Hey Air Force! Save some money and get an “Il Divo” CD, it has the same effect.
When will the Military learn that homosexuality is a natural biological occurrence most evident when you force 18 to 24 year old males to live, sleep, and shower together? Have we, as a society, learned nothing from “Top Gun?”
I believe it was Bill Cruz who once said…
“He who strives to destroy homosexuality will only succeed in creating it.”
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Ken Barnard - 6/13/07
Spiked Genitals Spur Beetle Evolution
The genitals of male beetles are extraordinarily spiny, helping to anchor the males inside females as they attempt to impregnate them. Unfortunately, these spikes damage the females, potentially compromising the entire reproductive mission.
Now scientists have discovered an evolutionary arms race with these beetle genitalia, with female genitals growing tougher the spinier the male genitals are. The speed at which genitals change in this battle of the sexes could help shed light on how new species evolve.
In the new research, evolutionary biologist Göran Arnqvist at Uppsala University in Sweden and his colleagues investigated seven species of beetles. A number of these species have more than 100 spikes on male genitals, while others have none.
Arnqvist and his colleagues found that as male genitals became spikier and more harmful, females evolved tougher genitals to defend themselves.
Scientists are hoping that the new findings can shed some light on how humans have evolved.
“We can now only guess as to how this research correlates to the evolution of man,” Arnqvist said, “For instance, humans may have evolved at a faster rate than beetles, because I can copulate with the spiniest of these creatures and not be harmed.”
Arnqvist was later seen putting lipstick on a beetle he referred to as Stephanie, before continuing his “research,” which consisted of dinner and drinks at a local discothèque.
The genitals of male beetles are extraordinarily spiny, helping to anchor the males inside females as they attempt to impregnate them. Unfortunately, these spikes damage the females, potentially compromising the entire reproductive mission.
Now scientists have discovered an evolutionary arms race with these beetle genitalia, with female genitals growing tougher the spinier the male genitals are. The speed at which genitals change in this battle of the sexes could help shed light on how new species evolve.
In the new research, evolutionary biologist Göran Arnqvist at Uppsala University in Sweden and his colleagues investigated seven species of beetles. A number of these species have more than 100 spikes on male genitals, while others have none.
Arnqvist and his colleagues found that as male genitals became spikier and more harmful, females evolved tougher genitals to defend themselves.
Scientists are hoping that the new findings can shed some light on how humans have evolved.
“We can now only guess as to how this research correlates to the evolution of man,” Arnqvist said, “For instance, humans may have evolved at a faster rate than beetles, because I can copulate with the spiniest of these creatures and not be harmed.”
Arnqvist was later seen putting lipstick on a beetle he referred to as Stephanie, before continuing his “research,” which consisted of dinner and drinks at a local discothèque.
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