Dan Polydoris - 6/20/07 #1

20TH ANNIVERSARY FOR STARBUCKS IN CHICAGO

CHICAGO, IL - Chicagoans this summer can celebrate 20 years of Starbucks with a limited edition drink honoring the Windy City. The drink itself is supposed to capture the spirit of Chicago, which is where Starbucks first expanded to from Seattle.

So since Tuesday, most commuters have now been seen holding the new specialty beverage, “The Hobo-Breath Rotten-Fish Latte.” It is available with sprinkles in two flavors, “Dead Cicada” or “Mayor Daley’s Pubes.” Both are exquisite, this reporter must say.

“We wanted something to really capture Chicago’s essence,” said a spokesperson for Starbucks. “There was a little trouble accurately attaining the aroma of a bum’s half-dead whisky burps, but we are rather pleased with the result.”

As for the scent of fish decaying on a beach? “For that one,” the Starbucks VP of marketing informed me, “We used Lake Michigan water. It’s actually a combo of dead fish and feces that you’re tasting when you drink it.” During the interview, I threw up.


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NATIONAL STATISTICS


The circumcision rate in the United States has dropped from 90% to 57%.

However, American men are 90% more likely to show you their penises in a mall if you lie and tell them you’re gathering “national statistics.”

It is 0% likely that I’ll ever be let back into that mall.

But it is 100% more likely that my girlfriend is going to get pissed when she finds out I got caught at the mall asking to see dudes’ penises again.

This joke is 50% true.


(Figures analyzed by Dan P)