Dan Polydoris - 6/6/07

PUMPED UP POULTRY WORRIES ORGANIC FARMERS


HAMMOND, IN - As the use of steroids to enhance poultry continues across the nation, Indiana’s organic poultry providers are finding it harder and harder to keep sales up. Organic farmers, such as Bob “Goody” Goodwin, feel that the drugs are more harmful than helpful.

“There are countless risks in pumping these animals full of steroids,” Goodwin warns. “While the poultry themselves may be bigger and more succulent, the negative effects of steroids are detrimental. More and more chickens are getting juiced up, getting in fights, beating their wives, and going to dangerous lengths to score more ‘roids,’ as they’re called on the streets.”

Other areas of Indiana have been tainted with steroid-abused poultry. Lafayette, New Buffalo, and Gary have reported incidents of chickens involved in gang violence, prostitution and robberies just to score the drug.

“The steroid use is becoming an epidemic,” Goody pleads. “One chicken broke into my house, stole my VCR, and traded it for steroids. How does that happen? The VCR weighs more than the chicken. And I can’t understand how it got the thing disconnected without even having thumbs. It really is a depressing state of affairs.”

Carl Sonenshine, of Sonenshine Poultry Farms, begs to differ. As the owner of one of the largest poultry providers in the US, Sonenshine feels that the benefits of steroids outweigh the negatives. “It can be put as simply as this,” Sonenshine states. “Times have changed, and there is no question at all that organic farming is for hippies and faggots.”

According to a statement from the USDA, which refuses to ban the agricultural use of steroids, organic farmers like Goodwin need to “grow a pair, get laid, and clean out their vaginas.”

Despite it all, Goodwin and other organic farmers stay positive. “We’re hopeful that people will wake up and realize steroids are unnecessary for poultry production. Maybe someday farmers will raise chickens the old fashioned way: with booze and cigarettes.”